Well, here I am. It’s 11:00, my new bedtime according to Ryan’s and my new “plan of action” to deal with Elliott’s sleeplessness. Ryan goes to bed at 9:00, sleeps until 5:00, and then wakes up when baby wakes at that time, puts her back to sleep then gets up and does homework until she wakes at 7:30, when he puts her back down to sleep until 8:30. I go to bed at 11:00, staying awake for her wakings between 9 and 11, then I “go to bed” only to wake for her between the hours of 11 and 5 (usually 2 more wakings during that time). I know she’s teething right now, I can see the teeth about to poke through. I know she’s a baby, and I love her, and I only want what’s best for her. So I am wondering tonight, if sleep-training is my “epidural.”
I said I didn’t want it, I said I wouldn’t do it, and I put it off until I couldn’t bear the pain and frustration and exhaustion to the point of an emotional breakdown. Is that what I’m going to do with the cry-it-out method? It’s the only thing we haven’t tried because we said we would never do it, but honestly, with no sleep, we are losing it. Am I pushing this for no reason, just so I can have an emotional breakdown in a couple of weeks, and be almost too far gone to wait out the cry-it-out method?
I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. Not only do I not want to have to listen to Elliott cry, which makes me overwhelmingly anxious, but I don’t want to have to do it for days on end, wondering if it’s ever or EVEN going to work, or if I’m just torturing my baby for a futile purpose. But is that better than getting out of bed 4-6 times a night, nursing and rocking her back to sleep, dealing with her screaming when I have to change her diaper, and dealing with running a household while completely exhausted, but still trying to maintain a positive atmosphere? I’ve been praying about this and thinking about it and I just don’t know. Out of all the experts, who is right? Who is right for my baby?
And why aren’t there more attachment-parents out there sharing their success stories on the web? Why can I only find CIO moms bragging about their kid’s sleeping habits? I want to read the testimonials of some sleep-softies like me, someone tell me that what I’m doing has a purpose, someone tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel is so long I won’t be able to see it for a few more months. I mean, people do this attachment parenting thing, right? I’m not the only one out here? Hello? **Listens to the call echoing in the blackness**